Tender Mercies

You know, if I learned anything during the last month, it’s that I have NOTHING to complain about – I am so incredibly blessed. I’m overwhelmed by the multitude of tender mercies that the Lord has shown to me and continues to bless me with during this time. I think that He knew it would be rough and that it’s going to be really challenging for me, personally, to be home from Romania. I’ve seen a lot of little miracles and blessings happen since I began to decide whether or not to come home. This will probably be my last post on this blog, since my time in Romania is over, but I hope that it will convey my feelings somewhat accurately, though I apologize for my poor ability to explain things through writing and words.

Most of you know that last semester I started having really bad headaches. More like a really long one that’s never gone away, actually. I saw a lot of doctors, had a lot of appointments, had a couple of brain scans, multiple tests were done, and LOTS of medications were tried. I even tried some natural medicine type things and massage therapy and weird psycho-brain wave noise stuff. Nothing worked for a really long time. Strangely enough, the headaches started about the same time I got hired to be the student facilitator for the internship in Romania. And equally strange (although I’m not sure if that’s the right adjective), I finally started feeling some relief from the headaches, after starting a new medication, about the same time I needed to give a final answer if I was able to go to Romania. For about six or seven weeks, I thought I wasn’t going to get to go back to Romania. I really couldn’t understand why I had felt so strongly about deciding to come back in January if it was just to get my hopes up for nothing. But when I started feeling better about two weeks before the semester ended, I prayed about it, and I felt like going to Romania was the right decision. Also, I’d been through so much, I think that because the doctor had no objection because I was feeling better, I wasn’t going to NOT go if there was no one stopping me. These are my kids we are talking about. And my desire to see them and be with them was (is) extremely great. So with a lot of excitement and anticipation,

I finalized plans to go to Romania.

So I left the States on January 12, 2013. Sarahy, Megan, and I got to London and I felt fine, great even. And then I got to Romania - floods of memories, nostalgia, and renewed love for the country and people. But about four or five days after being in Iasi, I started to feel my headaches growing in intensity and pain. Previously, the headaches had gotten down to a dull roar on the medication I was taking, but it felt like someone was slowly turning up the volume dial. At first I wasn’t too worried because I figured it was just the effects of jet lag or adjusting to the new climate and situation. But then they started to get a little worse, instead of better, and that’s when the possibility that I might have to come home early became a topic of discussion and pondering.

The decision to come home was a very thought-out, prayerful, and difficult one. I struggled for a long time with how I could live with the decision to leave my kids and the other interns and the people and work that I had so looked forward to for so long and that I loved so very much. I thought that coming home would somehow make me a “quitter” and a “weak” person because I didn’t try to stick it out. I thought about how I had managed to get through all of last semester with everything that was going on with my health and how this wasn’t much different except that I was in a different country. But I quickly realized that even if I did stick it out, that would require me to take a lot of time off from the orphanage, hospital, and clinic, meaning a lot of time by myself in the apartment doing nothing but resting and probably a lot of visits to the doctors in Romania. I think that if I had done that, the feelings of loneliness, helplessness, uselessness, and boredom would have driven me mad. And having to be in a foreign country without my family to be there and try to navigate a medical system that is foreign to me and have all the language/cultural barriers on top of the actual medical issues would be incredibly difficult. Even with these few considerations, I started to see that staying might turn my experience into a bad one and that would be worse than having to leave. Obviously there were way more things I considered, but after discussing all the options and factors with BYU, my family, Mario & Teo, and in prayer with Heavenly Father, I knew that I needed to come home. Those people all helped and supported me in the decision, but ultimately, it was my decision.

It is incredible how smooth things went after I made the decision and started acting on it. Nancy, from the travel agency at BYU (who I love – she’s awesome!), switched my returning flights within hours of me emailing her about it. The hardest part of all of this, by far, though, was telling the people closest to me in Romania – the interns, Mario & Teo, the branch members, and the kids. I love them all so so much. I was scared and nervous out of my mind to tell people I was coming home, but I was amazed at how graciously people accepted my decision and let me know that they only wanted me to do what was best and healthy for me. People are incredibly good. I think I forget that sometimes, unconsciously. And I forget that people just want the best for the people they love, and I’m no exception. I’ve realized it was and is okay for me to do something for myself – like coming home and getting healthy and taking care of me. I think I resisted the decision to come home for so long because I would rather be there taking care of the kids, than be here being the one who needs taking care of.

Saying goodbye to the branch

Goodbye dinner with Teo and Mario (my heros!)

Last night with Alexandra

I thought coming home would be insanely hard. I thought that I would be crying until I couldn’t cry anymore and be terribly depressed. But you know what, I haven’t been able to be sad about it. At least not in the way I thought I’d be. I am very sad that I don’t get to spend time with those kids everyday, that I don’t get to go explore more of Romania, and that I don’t get to meet more people and experience more Romanian culture – all things I love about the internship. But I think my sadness is purely sadness. I think I was expecting to feel more self-pity. Not that I ever thought of it that way, but I guess crying for days and moping around would, in fact, be self-pity. But I can honestly say that when I’ve been sad, it’s been because I miss the people and experience, not that I feel sorry for myself. I consider it a great gift from Heavenly Father.

Blessed. That is all I feel lately. The fact that I actually got to go to Romania again is incredible and such a blessing. The time I spent there was filled with so much joy! Seeing my kids again, seeing the branch members again, spending time with the interns, seeing old friends, exploring the city, eating my favorite Romania foods, and so many other just great times are all things I consider immense blessings. I think about how I could have stayed and stuck it out, but how that might have soured my experience. I feel so blessed that I can look at the time I had there and only see good. I vowed that my last week in Romania would be tear-free, that I’d try to enjoy the experience as much as I could and I am so glad I did that. I want to live my whole life that way. It’s incredible how much good there is when you look for it and you forget about or don’t dwell on the hard things in life. They don’t go away and you can’t run from them, but they don’t have to hang over you like a sword every second. Even my last day with my kids at the orphanage I could only feel joy. I cried so hard just as I was leaving, but I think the tears that weren’t because I was going to miss them, were ones because I loved them so much and at how much joy they bring me and how precious they are and how happy I was for the time I got with them.

Last day at the hospital

Enjoying the view overlooking the whole city on my last Saturday

Again, for anyone who may not quite understand why this whole leaving early thing would be so difficult, I’m sorry if this post seems dramatic or somehow unnecessary. But I guess it might make more sense if you read the previous post. And in addition to letting people know that I had to leave Romania and helping them understand why, it is very theraputic and healing to describe my feelings about the whole thing. I truly believe that Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond what I thought possible. Where I thought I would be sad, He has given me joy. Where I could have been pessimistic, he has shown me the brighter side of the whole thing. Not even that, but while I was in Romania, I think I finally understood and grasped just how lucky I am. The fact that I even had a choice to come home to a good home, with good parents, and good doctors, and an incredible support system, are probably opportunities less than 1% of the world has. I hate that I sometimes take those things for granted and complain about the little things. I think that a lot of my expanded ability to not be sad about leaving comes from the experiences I had in Romania, seeing the incredibly difficult kinds of situations and circumstances people are in.  I am just extremely thankful and my heart is extremely full lately. Thank you to everyone who always supports me and continues to bless my life. I am sure that in time my head issues will get sorted out, and that there’s a purpose for it all. Just know that I’m not (too) sad and you don’t need to be either. I miss those kids and people SOO much, but Heavenly Father has a plan for me here instead. I love you all so much!