Tender Mercies

You know, if I learned anything during the last month, it’s that I have NOTHING to complain about – I am so incredibly blessed. I’m overwhelmed by the multitude of tender mercies that the Lord has shown to me and continues to bless me with during this time. I think that He knew it would be rough and that it’s going to be really challenging for me, personally, to be home from Romania. I’ve seen a lot of little miracles and blessings happen since I began to decide whether or not to come home. This will probably be my last post on this blog, since my time in Romania is over, but I hope that it will convey my feelings somewhat accurately, though I apologize for my poor ability to explain things through writing and words.

Most of you know that last semester I started having really bad headaches. More like a really long one that’s never gone away, actually. I saw a lot of doctors, had a lot of appointments, had a couple of brain scans, multiple tests were done, and LOTS of medications were tried. I even tried some natural medicine type things and massage therapy and weird psycho-brain wave noise stuff. Nothing worked for a really long time. Strangely enough, the headaches started about the same time I got hired to be the student facilitator for the internship in Romania. And equally strange (although I’m not sure if that’s the right adjective), I finally started feeling some relief from the headaches, after starting a new medication, about the same time I needed to give a final answer if I was able to go to Romania. For about six or seven weeks, I thought I wasn’t going to get to go back to Romania. I really couldn’t understand why I had felt so strongly about deciding to come back in January if it was just to get my hopes up for nothing. But when I started feeling better about two weeks before the semester ended, I prayed about it, and I felt like going to Romania was the right decision. Also, I’d been through so much, I think that because the doctor had no objection because I was feeling better, I wasn’t going to NOT go if there was no one stopping me. These are my kids we are talking about. And my desire to see them and be with them was (is) extremely great. So with a lot of excitement and anticipation,

I finalized plans to go to Romania.

So I left the States on January 12, 2013. Sarahy, Megan, and I got to London and I felt fine, great even. And then I got to Romania - floods of memories, nostalgia, and renewed love for the country and people. But about four or five days after being in Iasi, I started to feel my headaches growing in intensity and pain. Previously, the headaches had gotten down to a dull roar on the medication I was taking, but it felt like someone was slowly turning up the volume dial. At first I wasn’t too worried because I figured it was just the effects of jet lag or adjusting to the new climate and situation. But then they started to get a little worse, instead of better, and that’s when the possibility that I might have to come home early became a topic of discussion and pondering.

The decision to come home was a very thought-out, prayerful, and difficult one. I struggled for a long time with how I could live with the decision to leave my kids and the other interns and the people and work that I had so looked forward to for so long and that I loved so very much. I thought that coming home would somehow make me a “quitter” and a “weak” person because I didn’t try to stick it out. I thought about how I had managed to get through all of last semester with everything that was going on with my health and how this wasn’t much different except that I was in a different country. But I quickly realized that even if I did stick it out, that would require me to take a lot of time off from the orphanage, hospital, and clinic, meaning a lot of time by myself in the apartment doing nothing but resting and probably a lot of visits to the doctors in Romania. I think that if I had done that, the feelings of loneliness, helplessness, uselessness, and boredom would have driven me mad. And having to be in a foreign country without my family to be there and try to navigate a medical system that is foreign to me and have all the language/cultural barriers on top of the actual medical issues would be incredibly difficult. Even with these few considerations, I started to see that staying might turn my experience into a bad one and that would be worse than having to leave. Obviously there were way more things I considered, but after discussing all the options and factors with BYU, my family, Mario & Teo, and in prayer with Heavenly Father, I knew that I needed to come home. Those people all helped and supported me in the decision, but ultimately, it was my decision.

It is incredible how smooth things went after I made the decision and started acting on it. Nancy, from the travel agency at BYU (who I love – she’s awesome!), switched my returning flights within hours of me emailing her about it. The hardest part of all of this, by far, though, was telling the people closest to me in Romania – the interns, Mario & Teo, the branch members, and the kids. I love them all so so much. I was scared and nervous out of my mind to tell people I was coming home, but I was amazed at how graciously people accepted my decision and let me know that they only wanted me to do what was best and healthy for me. People are incredibly good. I think I forget that sometimes, unconsciously. And I forget that people just want the best for the people they love, and I’m no exception. I’ve realized it was and is okay for me to do something for myself – like coming home and getting healthy and taking care of me. I think I resisted the decision to come home for so long because I would rather be there taking care of the kids, than be here being the one who needs taking care of.

Saying goodbye to the branch

Goodbye dinner with Teo and Mario (my heros!)

Last night with Alexandra

I thought coming home would be insanely hard. I thought that I would be crying until I couldn’t cry anymore and be terribly depressed. But you know what, I haven’t been able to be sad about it. At least not in the way I thought I’d be. I am very sad that I don’t get to spend time with those kids everyday, that I don’t get to go explore more of Romania, and that I don’t get to meet more people and experience more Romanian culture – all things I love about the internship. But I think my sadness is purely sadness. I think I was expecting to feel more self-pity. Not that I ever thought of it that way, but I guess crying for days and moping around would, in fact, be self-pity. But I can honestly say that when I’ve been sad, it’s been because I miss the people and experience, not that I feel sorry for myself. I consider it a great gift from Heavenly Father.

Blessed. That is all I feel lately. The fact that I actually got to go to Romania again is incredible and such a blessing. The time I spent there was filled with so much joy! Seeing my kids again, seeing the branch members again, spending time with the interns, seeing old friends, exploring the city, eating my favorite Romania foods, and so many other just great times are all things I consider immense blessings. I think about how I could have stayed and stuck it out, but how that might have soured my experience. I feel so blessed that I can look at the time I had there and only see good. I vowed that my last week in Romania would be tear-free, that I’d try to enjoy the experience as much as I could and I am so glad I did that. I want to live my whole life that way. It’s incredible how much good there is when you look for it and you forget about or don’t dwell on the hard things in life. They don’t go away and you can’t run from them, but they don’t have to hang over you like a sword every second. Even my last day with my kids at the orphanage I could only feel joy. I cried so hard just as I was leaving, but I think the tears that weren’t because I was going to miss them, were ones because I loved them so much and at how much joy they bring me and how precious they are and how happy I was for the time I got with them.

Last day at the hospital

Enjoying the view overlooking the whole city on my last Saturday

Again, for anyone who may not quite understand why this whole leaving early thing would be so difficult, I’m sorry if this post seems dramatic or somehow unnecessary. But I guess it might make more sense if you read the previous post. And in addition to letting people know that I had to leave Romania and helping them understand why, it is very theraputic and healing to describe my feelings about the whole thing. I truly believe that Heavenly Father has blessed me beyond what I thought possible. Where I thought I would be sad, He has given me joy. Where I could have been pessimistic, he has shown me the brighter side of the whole thing. Not even that, but while I was in Romania, I think I finally understood and grasped just how lucky I am. The fact that I even had a choice to come home to a good home, with good parents, and good doctors, and an incredible support system, are probably opportunities less than 1% of the world has. I hate that I sometimes take those things for granted and complain about the little things. I think that a lot of my expanded ability to not be sad about leaving comes from the experiences I had in Romania, seeing the incredibly difficult kinds of situations and circumstances people are in.  I am just extremely thankful and my heart is extremely full lately. Thank you to everyone who always supports me and continues to bless my life. I am sure that in time my head issues will get sorted out, and that there’s a purpose for it all. Just know that I’m not (too) sad and you don’t need to be either. I miss those kids and people SOO much, but Heavenly Father has a plan for me here instead. I love you all so much!

Dreams and Copii

*This post was not easy to write and may not make sense. There's not words that fit the things I felt/feel.

TODAY I SAW THE KIDS. MY KIDS. (OK, they aren't exactly "mine," but that's how it feels)

I don't know if there is a way to express with words the way I felt today. For the past 6 months, I have been dreaming of this day and of this time I could be back with the kids I fell in love with this past summer. I walked inside the orphanage and memories came flooding back. It took all my willpower to not jolt up the stairs and see the kids right then. I waited (im)patiently to meet with the director of the orphanage, Teo (the psychologist, and my personal hero), and Mario (our in-country facilitator) to go over some things before we toured the orphanage and started working with the kids. I was so happy to see Teo! She is incredible. I wish everyone could meet her and know how great she is, but take my word for it.

Changing into my scrubs felt so normal and routine and it made me relax because I knew I would finally see my kids. We toured the orphanage. We walked in each room of kids. Teo introduced the girls to the educators/workers in each room.

I barely noticed. All I felt was pure joy. Pure happiness and comfort. All the anxiety I've been feeling left. There were my kids. Their smiles and laughter and cute little voices. I can't count how many times I teared up. Tears of joy. I kept thinking I would lose it, but I reminded myself that crying would only confuse people and smiling worked just as well or better. Each room held a special surprise for me. In each room there was a familiar face - one or two of the kids that had been in the hospital or clinic, sitting alone in cribs all day, were there in the orphanage! A place where they would be taken care of and could always have other kids to be around and play with/near.

My favorite little boy from the clinic was in the first room we went into and I had no idea he'd be there. My heart almost burst. Then we went to another room and I saw four more kids from the hospital and clinic - playing and smiling and looking much healthier than when I last saw them. The time that really got me was when we visited the last room. Anyone that has heard me talk about "Puflet" (the name is a long story, it's not his name, and as soon as I found out his name I used it, but I won't write it here), knows that he had my heart from the first time I picked him up in the hospital. I spent a lot of time worrying about him when I left, wondering where he would go or who would play with him or take care of him. Teo asked me if I knew him and we turned the corner and there he was, sitting on a chair, cute as a button and I really had to hold back tears. I got to hold my little Puflet. I can die happy.

Going into my old room in the orphanage, the one I worked in last time, there's really no words. I don't think I can overstate my happiness at seeing my kids. I don't know if they remembered me or if they just wanted to play with someone, but they all rushed over and hugged my legs and reached up for me to pick them up. One of my favorite boys melted my heart when he said, "Ziua, Kelsey, Ziua!" Last time, Kelsey Fraser and I (Chelsea) had practically the same name so everyone just called us both Kelsey because it's easier to say. Everyday we would say "Buna ziua!" and he would reply, "Ziua, Kelsey, Ziua!" (I just tried to write how this made me feel but after ten different adjectives/sentences - no words really express it.)

This may seem unimportant or irrelevant or somehow not that big of a deal to many of you. And I get that completely. It's hard to be excited about or love people you don't know. But I know that most of you understand how much these kids and people mean to me, so hopefully you can think about someone you really love and about how it would feel to think you wouldn't see them again, find out you would get to see them again, anxiously wait to see them, and then finally reunite, and maybe you can see how this was an incredibly special day for me.

I wish that I could end with that and write about how excited and happy I am to be spending the next three months with my kids, but I guess I have been feeling for a long time that this time around wouldn't be exactly how I imagined it to be. Now nothing is for sure yet, but there is a strong chance that I can't work in the room I did last time. I'm not sure about why not. I've tried to act like it's not a big deal to everyone here but if I'm being honest - I'm heartbroken. I'm mature enough to understand that the orphanage knows what's best and will have us work where we are needed most. And I know I possess a strong love for ALL the kids there and will love whichever kids I am blessed to work with everyday. But I can't ignore the fact that being with "my kids" again has been a dream I have built up and looked forward to for 6 months. Only getting to say hi to them as I pass their room or see them in the halls... it'd be incredibly difficult. This probably sounds dramatic. I'm sorry. Actually I'm not. I'm not sorry that I have/had hopes and love those kids so much that not getting to be with them and continue those bonds is incredibly painful for me. That is the truth. That is my reality. Take it how you will. I will love the kids I work with, and I will always love the kids I worked with last time. It's simple. But I have dreamed of this semester and of all the time I would get to be with my kids. But I guess sometimes you have to face disappointments and rise to accept and make the best of what life hands you.

I will hopefully blog about how things are going in a week or two. I just need a period to adjust and reopen my heart... I can be pretty slow about that sometimes.

First days back in Iasi

Well I have lots of time to write today. I have been sick since yesterday, so I’m taking a second day of rest to make sure I feel better for the orphanage on Wednesday. I GET TO SEE MY KIDS ON WEDNESDAY!!! It’s all I’ve wanted to do since I left in July, and I can’t believe it’s less than 48 hours away now. I’m so happy to be back in Romania, even with the snow and slush and cold.

Sarahy, Megan, and I left London early Wednesday morning with a flight to Bucharest, the capital of Romania. We get through security and exchange our money and have plenty of time, so my stress level is very low at this point. That lasted about 20 minutes because I looked at the departure gate board and our flight was delayed an hour. Normally I wouldn’t care or be stressed about this, but we only had two hours from when we landed in Bucharest to when our train left the station and we had to get through customs, get our bags, find Katelyn somewhere in the airport, take the 30-45 minute bus ride to the station, and find our train. So I was freaking. The next hour and forty-five minutes brought a host of emotions, people around me probably thought I was schizophrenic. Being the facilitator is so different – you feel responsible for everyone and for how things happen (although most of them are out of your control). Anyways, they finally evacuated the dog from “quarantine” and we finally boarded the plane. And yes, it was frustrating that it took an hour and a half to get people off a plane completely and make a huge fuss about a dog being evacuated from an airplane, BUT who am I to judge, the only info I got was the announcement – “We are deeply sorry for the delay, but we are waiting for the plane to remove the canine from the aircraft, which is being quarantined right now. We will alert you when we are ready for boarding.” Repeated 4 times. Only because of his delightful British accent, did this announcement not elicit full frustration from yours truly.

I tried to relax on the plane, but it was hard to do when I kept getting out my phone to calculate how soon we’d land based on the speed of the plane and the distance left to travel. Nerd alert. I finally changed my prayer from “let us get to our train on time,” to “help us to be comforted if we need to change our plans and be ok with it and to somehow get to where we need to go smoothly and safely.” With that and the acceptance that we definitely weren’t going to make our train and would have to purchase tickets again, I relaxed. Maybe too much.

So we found Katelyn, thank goodness. Then we went outside and of course were bombarded with all the taxi drivers wanting to take us somewhere. In the back of my head, I knew that taking a taxi from the airport would lead to getting ripped-off, but the girls decided they wanted to do it and that maybe our train was delayed a half hour and we could still make it and it might be worth it. Our driver was nice enough, but of course, charged us way too much money. I would have argued, but I was so tired and nervous about what we were going to do when we got to the train station, that I didn’t really try. I feel bad about that.

I know many of you who are reading may have different religious beliefs than I do, and I hope you won’t be turned off of reading my blog even though I will refer to my beliefs quite often. But you know, I believe what happened next was a little miracle in my life and I am amazed at how Heavenly Father answers prayers. I do not believe for one second that it was a mere coincidence that we were there and needed help on mission transfer day, when all the missionaries from Romania/Moldova were gathered at the train station to travel to their new areas. I almost cried. Not that I wasn’t confident that we could figure things out or that I could buy tickets, I was just relieved to see familiar faces and know that if we did have a problem, there were people that I could trust and get help from. They recognized us about the same time and some of them walked over. I was so excited – Elder Slemboski! I had met him last time in Sibiu and there he was, ready to help and remembered me and as it turns out, he and the others who came over to us are the missionaries serving in Iasi! They let us use their phone to call Mario, but she didn’t answer. (I ended up FB messaging Teo from the orphanage asking her to call Mario and that is how Mario knew we would be coming on the night train instead. Teo saves the day as usual!) They were also getting on the night train to Iasi, so they offered to get our tickets when they got ours, which was a relief. Elder Slemboski even tried to get us a refund on our other tickets, but they wouldn’t do it. It was so nice of him though.

We spent about 5.5 hours at the train station. I spent most of my time trying to get in contact with people in charge at BYU and Teo and Mario and my family. But I also got to talk to a lot of the missionaries, ones that I knew from before and also ones I met for the first time there. Sister missionaries rock, by the way. I want to go on a mission so badly (Although, if I don’t end up going, you’ll definitely read more on this blog about how I feel strongly that this time in Romania is my mission in a lot of ways). I got caught up on how all the members are doing from the missionaries and in return, updated the missionaries on people at home and stuff like that. It was a good time.

Elder Eaton

Elder Jones

Mario and her best friend’s husband met us at the train station and got us to our apartment.

Across the street from our apartment - 6am

 Since then, we’ve just been exploring and getting settled in. I took the girls to see the orphanage, church building, and other places in the city. 

Piața

Their first covrig!

We went to Palas (the big mall) and they really liked it – I forgot how nice and how huge it is… and how it is America in my backyard. 

 

(clitate at Palas)

 We also went to kiss St. Parascheva’s hand at the Metropolitan Church. She is considered the protector of this region and people go to kiss her hand (her bones are there in the church supposedly) and offer a prayer. It is such a neat experience to see how people worship here.

I cannot wait to go to the orphanage. I don’t know if I have enough room in my heart for the emotions I’m going to have on Wednesday. I hope I don’t cry the whole day because of happiness. I need to pray for my heart to expand because I want to fully enjoy every moment these next three months!

THE LONDON LIFE

SO, before I start my blog about Romania, I'm taking a slight detour because we stopped in London from Sunday to Wednesday morning. It was a blast and we saw and did so many cool things. Because I don't want to bore anyone with too much writing and I don't want to get behind on blogging (I'm trying to be better about posting than last time), I'll just post pictures with captions for ya'll. More to come about the first days in Romania - which by the way, I'm seriously overjoyed to be back and already so impatient to get started at the orphanage and hospital. I took the girls to see the orphanage and church building today just to help them get a feel for how long it takes and where things are, and it went against all my instincts not to run inside the orphanage and see my kiddos! Anyways, poftiți (here ya go)!

Last sib picture

SLC layover = blizzard; scenic airplane ride :)

First Tube ride - so tired.

Church! Unfortunately I didn't find my British husband. Next time.

???

Victoria and Albert Museum!

Natural History Museum

 I love Prince Albert!!!

Princess Diana Memorial Fountain

Peter Pan Statue

So many birds and you can't see, but there was an awesome bird man with birds on/all around him

Kensington Palace

Les Miserable - only the greatest life-changing musical/play.

M&M world - that thing is made of all M&Ms... I should try that at home.

Double decker ride

Shopping at Harrods

Buckingham Palace. It was closed - SO SAD.

Portebello Road

Harry Potter!

First Fish and Chips!

Big Ben

 Westminster Abby - I'm seriously bummed we didn't go in - it was pretty pricey.

London Eye

Picadilly Square

 WICKED! But we almost didn't make it because of the non-existant sidewalks and double decker bus combo.

Many stupid decisions were made as I ignored/forgot about this.