Dreams and Copii

*This post was not easy to write and may not make sense. There's not words that fit the things I felt/feel.

TODAY I SAW THE KIDS. MY KIDS. (OK, they aren't exactly "mine," but that's how it feels)

I don't know if there is a way to express with words the way I felt today. For the past 6 months, I have been dreaming of this day and of this time I could be back with the kids I fell in love with this past summer. I walked inside the orphanage and memories came flooding back. It took all my willpower to not jolt up the stairs and see the kids right then. I waited (im)patiently to meet with the director of the orphanage, Teo (the psychologist, and my personal hero), and Mario (our in-country facilitator) to go over some things before we toured the orphanage and started working with the kids. I was so happy to see Teo! She is incredible. I wish everyone could meet her and know how great she is, but take my word for it.

Changing into my scrubs felt so normal and routine and it made me relax because I knew I would finally see my kids. We toured the orphanage. We walked in each room of kids. Teo introduced the girls to the educators/workers in each room.

I barely noticed. All I felt was pure joy. Pure happiness and comfort. All the anxiety I've been feeling left. There were my kids. Their smiles and laughter and cute little voices. I can't count how many times I teared up. Tears of joy. I kept thinking I would lose it, but I reminded myself that crying would only confuse people and smiling worked just as well or better. Each room held a special surprise for me. In each room there was a familiar face - one or two of the kids that had been in the hospital or clinic, sitting alone in cribs all day, were there in the orphanage! A place where they would be taken care of and could always have other kids to be around and play with/near.

My favorite little boy from the clinic was in the first room we went into and I had no idea he'd be there. My heart almost burst. Then we went to another room and I saw four more kids from the hospital and clinic - playing and smiling and looking much healthier than when I last saw them. The time that really got me was when we visited the last room. Anyone that has heard me talk about "Puflet" (the name is a long story, it's not his name, and as soon as I found out his name I used it, but I won't write it here), knows that he had my heart from the first time I picked him up in the hospital. I spent a lot of time worrying about him when I left, wondering where he would go or who would play with him or take care of him. Teo asked me if I knew him and we turned the corner and there he was, sitting on a chair, cute as a button and I really had to hold back tears. I got to hold my little Puflet. I can die happy.

Going into my old room in the orphanage, the one I worked in last time, there's really no words. I don't think I can overstate my happiness at seeing my kids. I don't know if they remembered me or if they just wanted to play with someone, but they all rushed over and hugged my legs and reached up for me to pick them up. One of my favorite boys melted my heart when he said, "Ziua, Kelsey, Ziua!" Last time, Kelsey Fraser and I (Chelsea) had practically the same name so everyone just called us both Kelsey because it's easier to say. Everyday we would say "Buna ziua!" and he would reply, "Ziua, Kelsey, Ziua!" (I just tried to write how this made me feel but after ten different adjectives/sentences - no words really express it.)

This may seem unimportant or irrelevant or somehow not that big of a deal to many of you. And I get that completely. It's hard to be excited about or love people you don't know. But I know that most of you understand how much these kids and people mean to me, so hopefully you can think about someone you really love and about how it would feel to think you wouldn't see them again, find out you would get to see them again, anxiously wait to see them, and then finally reunite, and maybe you can see how this was an incredibly special day for me.

I wish that I could end with that and write about how excited and happy I am to be spending the next three months with my kids, but I guess I have been feeling for a long time that this time around wouldn't be exactly how I imagined it to be. Now nothing is for sure yet, but there is a strong chance that I can't work in the room I did last time. I'm not sure about why not. I've tried to act like it's not a big deal to everyone here but if I'm being honest - I'm heartbroken. I'm mature enough to understand that the orphanage knows what's best and will have us work where we are needed most. And I know I possess a strong love for ALL the kids there and will love whichever kids I am blessed to work with everyday. But I can't ignore the fact that being with "my kids" again has been a dream I have built up and looked forward to for 6 months. Only getting to say hi to them as I pass their room or see them in the halls... it'd be incredibly difficult. This probably sounds dramatic. I'm sorry. Actually I'm not. I'm not sorry that I have/had hopes and love those kids so much that not getting to be with them and continue those bonds is incredibly painful for me. That is the truth. That is my reality. Take it how you will. I will love the kids I work with, and I will always love the kids I worked with last time. It's simple. But I have dreamed of this semester and of all the time I would get to be with my kids. But I guess sometimes you have to face disappointments and rise to accept and make the best of what life hands you.

I will hopefully blog about how things are going in a week or two. I just need a period to adjust and reopen my heart... I can be pretty slow about that sometimes.